Happy Birthday, Eric

Happy Birthday Eric --

This day is always a mix of emotions for me -- actually the week leading up to it is also. I feel like my heart feels this day before I actually realize it myself. The first jolt was as I was running on the treadmill this morning and the song, "Beautiful disaster" came on. I quickly had to turn it as that was too painful. Every year is a little different. Last year I had the feeling that, yes, he is gone, but he goes on in different ways, and I will see him again one day. Today I just feel that he's not here and I miss him, and it breaks my heart Riley doesn't get the chance to know Eric. I hate when people say, "It isn't fair," but those are the words playing in my head and filling my heart. I miss him very much, and would give anything to have him back and be given another chance with him. I wish I knew then what I have learned now. Sometimes guilt can consume you in situations like this. I have been going through my angel box this morning and found this poem that I have taped up inside of it. I remember praying to God that he would help me feel what's said in this poem because I knew I couldn't live like this forever.

"Yesterday I was angry
At you, at God, at me, at everyone
Yesterday my heart was filled with grief,
sadness, emptiness, confusion, denial.
Yesterday, I broke down, gave up on life,
me.
Today, I have a new understanding
A stronger faith,
A stronger heart,
A stronger soul.
Today, I still miss you,
Need you, love you.
Today I smiled, laughed, and loved.
Yesterday my soul almost died.
Today your soul saved mine."

The new Ninja Turtle movie is out and Eric would surely be one of those geeks in line for the movie the night before! That's what was so great about Eric: his passion for the things he loved. It was great and contagious! When Riley sees pictures of Eric she always points out his blue eyes. It's funny that Riley knows right away, when she sees a picture of Eric, who he is without really questioning it. I have a feeling the two of them would have had a very special relationship.